Where did my superpower go?

Tonight's luxurious topic will be on postpartum depression and socializing after baby. It's luxurious damn it because I said so.

How I once viewed my days. 

I didn't want to write this. This topic was something I had only read about and it happened to other mothers, not me. I'm perfect! I don't get sad, angry, lonely, or feel like I want to leave the perfect life that I had worked so hard to achieve.



But I DID...


Flash back a month ago, that is when my husband started to notice changes. Changes such as: the way I spoke to him, the constant obsession and over-protectiveness with our daughter, my incredibly short temper and outrageous busts of anger, always complaining of being tired, how every morning before he left for work, I looked as if the world was ending and when he came back home, I had on the exact same clothes (PJ's) and probably didn't shower that day. Something had happened.Something had changed. He tried with all of his strength to talk to me and help lift me back up to the person I once was, but it wasn't helping. Stress levels would build when guests would visit and as soon as they left, I was obsessed about cleaning. It got so bad, that he was worried about going into work everyday and wondering what was happening at home. Would I hurt our baby? Would I hurt myself? These questions raced through my hard working husbands mind all day.

The face of depression isn't always someone crying with their head in their hands. 

I tried talking to him when I could. However, I was confused and felt guilty for feeling the way I did and it usually ended in an argument. I didn't understand how I'd become this way. I once was a happy, easy going person. I was motivated and ready to learn and explore the day. I had a beautiful family and was proud of it. Damn it, I was the Queen of the Current household and there was nothing you could do about it. I jammed out to Katy Perry, Dark Horse. Why? Because I played with magic and I worked it! Boom! (Look up the lyrics for further understanding) I honestly had no idea what the problem was, and that, was the biggest problem. I knew I needed to take my husbands advice and seek out help when I didn't want to call my two closest friends and talk with them about it. I felt lonely, yet I never called to talk to anyone. I had every excuse from, he/she works and I don't, to he/she lives too far away, to I don't want to put my problems onto others. I finally told a friend about my struggle. I won't lie, I felt horrible talking about it. I didn't want to burden her with my problems. She sat quietly and listened, and I thank her for that.

Two days later, my husband, our little chunk o poo, and I went to the therapist appointment I had finally been able to set. Believe me when I say my motivation was gone, it was. I couldn't even perform the simple task of looking up therapists covered by our insurance company. After two prior failed attempts, I called my OBGYN for a list of names they could recommend. Walking into the office was intimidating. I once had the pleasure in nursing school of doing rounds in a psych ward and I felt as if I was going back, only this time, I was committing myself for treatment. Before I was seen, the doctor asked me to fill out the most uplifting paperwork of my life. In all honesty its a check list of anything bad that you do or feel. Sad to say, that lovely little stack of questions took me 20 minutes to complete. Afterwards, I was directed to the doctors office. It was, you guessed it, the standard couch and desk room scene complete with a book shelf and indoor plants. The doctor then directed my husband and our now screaming for food child into a kid friendly room for him to feed and play with. I stayed in that room for an hour. We chatted over my responses to the answered questions and she also assured me that what I was feeling and doing, was completely normal for a new mom. I couldn't believe it, she said, I was normal.  I wanted so badly to scream down the hall at my husband, "She said, I'm normal!" However, I knew that would probably not be a normal thing to do. Then she asked me what I found to be the greatest question I had ever been asked by a doctor. She asked, what I wanted to gain from her working with me? It was simple, I wanted to go back to that happy person I once was without medication. I wanted to hold conversations with people and not react negatively or angry towards others. I wanted my energy back, and to be able to let some things go.    "Let it go, Let it go!"

So, those my fabulous friends are what I'm currently working on. I was given a homework assignment to figure out what calms me down. Sadly, it's guitar playing or Taekwondo. I'll have to find other things, because both of those don't really work out in an argument. Well, Taekwondo could, however, that throws me back to square one if I'm now going to start assaulting people. She also suggested finding some mommy and me classes or groups. She said that should help get me holding conversations with other moms and cure some feelings of loneliness. I've researched a few with my husband and I have decided to give some classes a whirl. I'm excited to say that I'm looking forward to our next meeting on Tuesday. I'm also looking forward to a couple of planned outings with our chunk snuggle muffin.

I guess what this post is really about is to let you know and me, you're not alone out there suffering. You also don't deserve to suffer. Find someone to talk to. Life doesn't have to be so hard. Have to be, are the key words. Somewhere deep inside you is some part of you screaming to fix whatever problem(s) there may be, so find that will power no matter how small it is and help yourself. You deserve a life of happiness and love. Hell, I'm here to listen, just leave a comment. I'm no trained professional, and shouldn't be handing out emotional advice, but I can lend an ear and share experiences.

Here are some helpful links:

1) http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/basics/definition/con-20029130 What postpartum depression (PPD) is

2) http://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/depression/postpartum.aspx Statistics of PPD

3) http://www.buzzfeed.com/laurasilver/this-is-what-depression-really-looks-like?bffb&utm_term=4ldqpgp#.klMGMDr6Ve an article I found interesting

and just in case,
4) http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  For when you have a serious emergency



Like what I post? Leave a comment or join me and our little for coffee and a bottle sometime.